For women only? Think again.
Can we really achieve gender equity if we stay in our feminist bubbles?
I was recently standing in a supermarket in front of the chocolate shelf, indecisive about what to choose until the chocolate bar below caught my attention.
It was not the funny penguin or the color combination that drew me in — it was the prominent “Nur für Frauen” (for women only) lettering. Something about this sentence threw me off. I felt oddly offended by it.
How can a chocolate bar be just for women? Isn’t chocolate gender-neutral by definition (aka everybody loves chocolate)? Why would you make a product and proclaim that it is exclusively for women? It just didn’t make any sense — so I had to buy it & try it for myself (spoiler: I found it quite ok 😉).
It turns out that Taucherli, the local Zurich company behind the chocolate bar, launched this special product on International Women’s Day on March 8 as an “ode to women”. And I am sitting here today wondering if such a campaign is hurting us more than it helps create more equity— and if I might have to rethink some of my deeply rooted beliefs.
The cost of non-inclusiveness
As I was munching on my non-inclusive chocolate bar, I thought about how incredibly comfortable I felt in a group of women supporting and encouraging each other. Being part of Girls in Tech Switzerland and other female networks has provided me with many positive experiences in the past. I often find myself discussing vividly with other women all the things to change in this world for the better — feeling inspired & full of energy.
I like to refer to such experiences as being in my cozy “feminist bubble”. Everything you share in the bubble resonates so much with these wonderful women that you are convinced it’s all true. And sometimes when you voice these same things to people outside the bubble, you are frustrated about their ignorance and that they seem to not understand your point at all. Sounds familiar?
The narrative of female networks and organizations is rarely challenged from within and often not exposed enough to an outside perspective.
I observe that the narrative of female networks and organizations is rarely challenged from within — with few exceptions — and often not exposed enough to an outside perspective. More than once I have encountered women in such organizations that voice extremely polarizing statements because they only hear the same stories — and I am afraid I might fall into the same category at times.
It’s what I call the cost of being non-inclusive: surround yourself with the same people too much, and you’re not achieving the equality and diversity you are fighting for so passionately. Why? Because if your ideas only find approval in your bubble, they are likely not able to change the world outside of it.
The “safe space” argument
Frankly, we live in an unfair world with lots of inequalities. Many of us experience inequality in some or another way — sometimes consciously, but also unconsciously. Organizations that bring together minorities raise awareness around inequalities and provide a safe space to exchange experiences. It’s often easier to share negative or even traumatizing stories in such an environment of understanding and benevolence.
But as said, the world out there is brutal. And putting theory into action is often easier said than done. I have found myself more than I would like in situations where I wasn’t able to act as I preached in my feminist bubble. And I give myself a hard time for it — even though I probably just lack the real-world practice of implementing the right mindset.
Isn’t that true confidence— to not cringe in the face of opposition?
I fear that this “safe space” might provide us with a wrong sense of over-confidence and doesn’t actually prepare us for the world out there. How about instead we learn to also feel safe around people that might not be sharing our opinions or instantly understand our experiences? Isn’t that true confidence after all — to not cringe in the face of opposition?
Challenging beliefs
Many of our events at Girls in Tech Switzerland have 100% female participation. Contrary to the chocolate example above, we don’t proclaim that our events are exclusive to women — we sometimes even actively encourage everybody to join, however sadly with little to no success so far.
I recently was involved in organizing a coding workshop targeted toward women. The goal was to highlight the amazing women at our company and to create an attractive and interesting workshop for women — therefore we decided to make the content of the workshop exercise about gender equity.
Asking for his support on the workshop, one of my male colleagues pointed out that he felt uneasy helping organize a workshop exclusively for women. Nowhere in the description of the workshop did we mention that the workshop is only for women, but he instantly felt excluded. After several conversations, I started to understand that — even though he wanted to support the cause — he wasn’t sure how he would fit in.
The what-goes-around-comes-around attitude will not get us any further in achieving equality — quite the opposite, it will only divide us more.
Often without noticing, female networks and organizations practice more subtle forms of non-inclusiveness while accusing the world of a strategic gatekeeping power play. It’s this what-goes-around-comes-around attitude that I don’t believe will not get us any further in achieving equality — quite the opposite, it will probably only divide us more.
Meeting on common ground
It took me a while to get what my colleague felt — I had to burst out of my bubble for a moment to really see through it. It’s not about envy or resentment— it’s as simple as that: no one likes to feel excluded. And this is where we can find common ground.
As humans, we thrive in environments where we feel accepted as we are. Where we can express our thoughts and opinions without being shot down immediately. Where we feel seen and listened to. And where we sense that someone at least makes an effort to understand us — even if they don’t agree with us.
It is a place of respect and tolerance — but maybe not always cozy and comfortable. We sometimes have to endure silence or strong emotions and travel far out of our comfort zone. And there are times when we need to negotiate ruthlessly about the rules of this place, but we do it with the shared goal of creating a sense of belonging, a community.
And before I am losing you in my utopian fantasies, let me bring you back to the ground: I sincerely love my feminist bubble and all the empowered & inspiring women in it — but I start to feel that we cannot achieve our mission of more equality if we stay inside our cozy bubbles all by ourselves.
We cannot achieve our mission of more equality if we stay inside our cozy feminist bubbles all by ourselves.
Let’s consider opening up our networks and organizations for all humans that share the vision of a more equal world — for real. Let’s welcome everybody with open arms, open hearts, and especially an open mind. And to those that feel excluded by events and initiatives: please let us know how we can help you feel more included in the future ❤
Rooting for each other
I realized that I felt offended by the only-for-women chocolate bar in the supermarket because I did not want anybody to feel excluded by a piece of chocolate — even though I was included. And that’s the kind of spirit I love to see in a community. I like to see men feeling offended about the fact that a woman gets continuously interrupted in meetings or has a low salary. I like to see women fighting for the right to longer paternity leave and speaking up about more part-time options for men.
It’s a community where we stand up for each other because we understand that we all benefit from more equality. Where we are rooting for each other because we don’t want anyone to feel excluded. #strongertogether
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